Experience Spiritual Resurrection

Here's an application from a sister on the lesson from this week. I appreciate and love her honesty and her ability to be open. With her permisson I'm choosing to share this. It is my prayer that each of you will see the value in applying the Word of God to your every day life.

Well I have experience several moments like this throughout my life; however, one experience that just seemed to take the very life I had, the joy, and the fire I had for God happened last year.  I went into a deep, hardcore depression at least according to me.  It was one that I will never forget nor want to go back into because it was like a never-ending downfall and it took a great fight not of myself but God to get me back to where I once was in Him.  While in my depression, I looked for and engaged in activities for satisfaction that I knew would only be temporary.  I surrounded myself with people who I knew where not for my good, but I allowed it to avoid being alone.  When I was by myself, I cried a lot, sometimes I would put myself in situations to hurt me (not talking suicide, I’m too punk for that).  I would long for my novocain which was alcohol or sleep.  Sleep was my heaviest novocain because anytime I would feel down and felt a cry within me, I would make myself go to sleep as my way of escape only for my grief and sadness to be the first thing to pierce my heart when I woke up the next day or whenever I woke up.  The same hurt, the same pain, the same memory was always there to greet me when I would wake up.  Sometimes I would wake up crying sort of mad at God as to say, “Lord, why am I still here?”. 
I felt like a walking zombie just going through the motions such as going to work, going to church but w/o any anticipation or expectation and would barely show and didn’t care if I was present at all.  I also had a great stronghold I was dealing with, one I intentionally invited, one I saw that was going to be the death of me (spiritual death) if I did not get out of that situation.  However, God brought me out, no praise to me.
Now, the praise report is God brought me out. It felt like a long hard road, but as I was striving to get back to Him, I felt a little more strength, a little more joy.  Then one Sunday while in worship, God spoke thru a person to me saying, “Welcome Back”.  Immediately, I praised God for what he had done and I felt a peace and joy to be back. After all that, one would say, “Well praise God!”
BUT….yes God delivered me, yes I believed I was free………..BUT because of the sin I allowed while in my depression and the worry of how people will look at me, I still struggle to this day in fully letting it go.   What I mean by this is that although GOD FREED ME, I STILL PUNISH AND DISQUALIFY MYSELF from certain aspects of ministry b/c I feel as though what I have done disqualifies me from what God has asked of me to do.  I still deal w/ the feeling of not being good enough.  However, I do receive encouragement from friends, from God’s word, from the angels of my church that I must not feel like that and believe that God has qualified me, he has wiped my sleight clean, he has forgiven my sin, he has called me to move forward.  I do receive it, but I will not lie and say that feeling is not ever present. 
In reading a few stories on others in the Bible who dealt with depression, I learned that despite what it looks like, remember God’s promise (Genesis 15  - Abraham beginning to doubt, but God reminds him of his promise concerning him having children and the great # of descendants). I learned how I should have handled my depression and if ever I should experience my joy diminishing, I should be careful with my words, examine myself, and not blame or curse God (Book of Job). Repent.  Praise God putting my hope in Him (Psalm 42) and giving Him my broken spirit and contrite  heart for that’s what He delights in (Psalm 51:17).
I feel that if I would have given it to God at the very moment I felt depressed, and allowed Him to do in me what He wanted to do, I would be further along in my walk; however, I also know it happened as it did for a reason.